My Heart is Breaking

it’s starting to be a day to day existence….somehow, I thought we’d talk through things more, work things out more, but still, things are moving so slowly. he’s moved back into our bedroom because I asked him to and told him it was important but neither of us wants to have sex. and I think he should WANT to have sex with me. I’m the wronged person here, what’s he holding out for? Obviously, my first conclusion is that he’s still with the C!@#…why should I believe him? He lied to me for months, and he was really freaking good at it, so why wouldn’t he be lying now? Oh sure, he’s nicer than he’s been in months, understanding, caring, he actually feels as if he’s ‘HERE’ instead of just waiting to get the hell out. it could all be an act.

how will I ever trust him again? I just can’t and I’m starting to seriously wonder if I’m capable of moving forward after all of this. It’s been a bit over a month since he confessed, and 2 weeks since I found the pictures of her ugly mug on his laptop….along with the pornographic stories she liked to tell him and the pictures of her in bed. That was interesting….if they were better quality, I could post them all over the internet or mail them to her place of employment…wouldn’t THAT be funny? What I could do is attach it in an email and send it to her….

I emailed her a while back, when I first found her email….simply saying ‘are you still seeing MY husband’. You’d think she’d write back. It could have been an opportunity to apologize, right the wrong….or maybe they’re still seeing each other and that’s why she didn’t answer. I’m starting to feel as bad as I did when he first left, only different. I don’t have the gut-wrenching pain, just a constant, dull ache in my chest that never stops. I’m getting more and more depressed and starting to hate my day to day, no plans existance. I tried to get him to make plans with me for Saturday and he couldn’t come up with anything. I just let it drop. I feel like I’m doing all the work, struggling to reconnect, chasing him. I told him that yesterday and he said, I don’t feel like you’re chasing me at all. I don’t understand that because I am, I can feel it. Maybe he likes it, I don’t know. But at this point, I can’t hardly even concentrate on my work, I just don’t care enough to do it.