My Heart is Breaking

we’ve made love the last 4 nites in a row.  It’s been wonderful; we’re closer physically than we have been in a while, but he still cannot tell me he loves me.  I don’t understand why and it’s hard to move past it.  Plus, he’s been SO nice, SO attentive and understanding…and I want so much to believe it, but it’s hard to trust him.  Very very hard to trust him..I just don’t know what to do.  This is what I wanted - I wanted him back at home so we could work things out but it’s much harder than I ever thought it would be.  it’s a day to day process and I never know what’s going to happen.  Although, I’m not constantly crying, which is nice

But the real question is…how do you know?  How will I ever trust him and can I go thru my life with him always with a nagging doubt in my head no matter what?  Like he said the other day…we had a fight again, which is always going to happen and he said ‘there’s nothing I can say to make you believe me.  I’m sorry for what happened (this was referring to my bday and his weekend away) but I can’t change it. I want to but I can’t.  I can’t do anything else to make you believe me…you just have to’.

which is horrible on the one hand but very true on the other. Either I believe him or I don’t.  I can take his behavior (loving, understanding, we have fun together, etc) and think he’s changed, or the dark side of me can think ‘well, he’s certainly learned how to lie BETTER than he did BEFORE when it was so blinking obvious’….

And it doesn’t help that I WANT to believe him so much.